Self-compassion

What is self-compassion?

The notion of compassion is essentially consisted of three components. The first is the ability to notice someone’s suffering, then the ability to be touched by that suffering, and finally, the knowledge that that suffering or imperfection is something that happens to everyone and is part of the common human experience.

Self-compassion is literally the same, only directed towards oneself – when things are difficult for us, when we messed something up, or notice something about ourselves that we do not like. Instead of reproaching ourselves, or feeling sorry for ourselves, self-compassion allows us to take care of ourselves by accepting a situation that has happened (or some trait of ours), and look for the best way to help ourselves do what makes us happy or be who we want to be.

Self-compassion is an old notion from Buddhist philosophy, but it was relatively recently popularized by Kristin Neff (https://self-compassion.org/). She defined it as a set of three positive components versus three negative ones – self-kindness versus self-judgement, humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness vs over-identification.

• Self-kindness versus self-judgement means that when we notice a flaw or do something we didn’t want to do, instead of blaming ourselves, we accept that flaws and mistakes are inevitable in life, and be gentler with ourselves when they happen.
• Humanity versus isolation refers to the fact that all these flaws and mistakes are a part of a greater human experience, like a drop of water in a sea where each of us is swimming. Others have flaws, and others sometimes make mistakes, do they deserve understanding? Do we understand others when they have made a similar mistake as us?
• Mindfulness vs over-identification means balancing feeling bad about ourselves, due to a mistake or a flaw, and compassion. Over-identification involves overthinking the negative aspects of a mistake or a flaw, which later leads to an excessive focus on negative thoughts or ignoring the problem. So, the goal with self-compassion is to be aware of all the feelings, but in a non-judgemental way, accepting them as they are without the focus on the either positive or negative aspects.  

The benefits of self-compassion

When things don’t go the way we would like, or when we are not the person we would like to be, it’s easy to get stressed, frustrated, or self-critical, which often only deepens negative feelings. In cognitive terms, this can lead to rumination, excessive thinking about the origin or course of the problem. We can also go the completely other way and suppress negative feelings, which can lead to anxiety or psychosomatic illnesses.

We all face mistakes and have imperfections, and self-compassion helps us to accept them and to understand that we are part of humanity that is also imperfect and full of mistakes. It reminds us that we still have value and that a solution is possible.

Too much self-compassion?

When they encounter this notion, many people think: “If I start to forgive myself, I will eventually  start justifying bad things.” This will not happen because true self-compassion does not imply justification, but acceptance, of what has happened, what is happening or some traits of ours. Forgiveness does not mean disregarding the problem, it means accepting what it is or what has happened, and asking oneself – what am I going to do now, what would I like in the future and how can I help myself achieve that.

Self-compassion is associated with self-esteem, and is a healthy source of it. Sometimes there is a fear that too much compassion for one’s own shortcomings or mistakes leads to too much self-esteem, or to narcissism. However, self-esteem is largely based on a comparison to others, and too much self-esteem means that a person feels superior. Too much self-esteem says – You are perfect; and self-compassion says – You are a worthwhile person as you are, with all the flaws and mistakes. That is the key difference, and that is why there is no such thing as too much self-compassion, because it implies accepting that there are flaws or events that we would erase, but that we forgive them and help ourselves go on. Also, self-esteem has oscillations, sometimes we feel more confident than usual, sometimes less, and self-compassion is stable and always there.

Another term that people instinctively associate with self-compassion is self-pity – I am like this, like that, I messed up, I’m pitiful, but I accept that I’m pitiful. Self-pity excludes one important component of self-compassion, and that is humanity, the awareness that this experience or flaw is part of a wide range of human experience, that the same thing happens to others. This, of course, does not diminish the significance of one’s own problem, but it makes it acceptable and solvable, as one would accept other people’s flaws or mistakes, e.g., friend’s. So – I’m like this, like that, I messed up, but I’m not pitiful, it’s all human and it can be dealt with.

How to develop self-compassion?

Self-compassion is something that should be actively practiced in the beginning, and then later it just comes to us on its own. One interesting exercise that is easy to do is called “A friend to yourself”.

Take a piece of paper and write down the answers to the following questions:

First, think about the times when a close friend feels very bad about themselves or are struggling in some way. How do you react in this situation? Write down what you usually do, what you say and the tone in which you usually talk to your friends when they are in this situation.

Now think of the times when you feel bad. How do you usually react to yourself in these situations? Write down what you usually do, what you say and the tone in which you talk to yourself.

Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What do you think makes you treat yourself and others differently?

Write down how you think things could change if you answered yourself the same way you usually respond to a close friend when they feel bad.

The key is to treat yourself kindly, with care, and to support yourself, just as you would treat a friend when they are in trouble.